Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
