dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
