I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
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I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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