im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.