Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
