so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
