i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
