I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
