can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
