If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
