I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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