I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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