I'm going to rape someone's good day.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
