and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
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So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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