im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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