so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
