im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Too much gin, very little bucket
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
