We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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