We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I cut my penus on the lid.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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