I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
NoShamevember. You game?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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