My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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