I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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