i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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