I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
cat food counts as protein by the way
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
