Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
