You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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