Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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