I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
