Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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