I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
