she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
