just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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