I wish I could punch you in the face.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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