I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
