god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
