Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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