whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i now understand why vodka
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