Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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