had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
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did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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