I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
