i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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