how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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