I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
