Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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