Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
