I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
