I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
