another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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