My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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