Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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