dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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