Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
